My friend Joe read my post about sunny southern California and he noticed the tiki carving on my back porch post . Will that show up in a future post ?  he asked . So , why not . And here goes :

First , I have to wonder what was in Joe’s mind . Is he thinking tiki as in tiki bar ? Being an El Segundo boy and then living for years within spitting distance of the beach , Joe might be thinking tiki bar . I saw an internet ad for tiki bar equiptment . $ 138 for tiki bar thatch fresh from Mexico . I didn’t look very carefully at all the available products because  I don’t intend to build a tiki bar . I don’t know how much thatch you can get for $ 138 . I don’t know what quality it is compared to other tiki bar thatch . I know that Poland is a big producer of thatch for thatched roofs . I met a thatcher in southern England who told me that . Do the Polish also make tiki bar thatch ? ( Maybe they will after reading this !)

I know where to get tiki carvings . Also , this is information from the internet . There is a man in Florida who sells them . He sells all the tiki gods and , I’m sure , many of his own creation ( this makes him god of the tiki gods — the creator ) . I , again , didn’t explore the possibilities very carefully .

My tiki bar will have to be the tiki carving on the back porch post , the table and chairs on the back patio under the tin roof  , and a bottle of beer . No thatch . No wicker bar stools . No fruity rum drinks with little parasols sticking out of them . No Polynesian music . No tiki bar.

Sorry , Joe , if  you were hoping for a tiki bar in my backyard .

But , knowing Joe for much of a lifetime , I suspect that he was hinting at some deeper meaning for my tiki carving than mere bar ornament . Why is it there ? What is the meaning ?

I was looking at the tiki gods of Hawaii on the internet  but I didn’t pay too much attention . I thought that I might be able to recognize my tiki guy . But I wasn’t able to identify him .  I don’t want to think that he’s a made-up god , but probably he is .

I was reading about the Inquisition at the back table and the tiki guy was watching . I felt lucky that this isn’t the thirteenth or fourteenth or  fifteenth  or other centuries when inquisitors scoured the land hunting for heretics . That hanging tiki mask would have been good evidence against me . The girl with the Mustang who parks in front of my house would testify to the tribunal that she’d witnessed me worshipping the strange idol . She’d say that she’d  seen me drinking toasts to it under the eaves . She’d witnessed from across the wall evening meetings of my fellow worshipers carousing and praising Beelzebub . She might say that she’d heard ungodly sounds from our yard that could only have come from the devil. The more I’d deny it the guiltier I’d look . My friends would begin to turn on me to save their own skins . I would never confess even under torture and that would be sure proof of my guilt .

I said she would testify that she’d  heard that kind of stuff , not that she actually had heard that kind of stuff . She was getting back at me for the note I’d left on her car : PICK ONE SIDE OR THE OTHER , because  in a dog-eat-dog world turnabout is fair play .  And my friends pragmatically had to look out for number one . They’re smart enough to know that  I’m  a gonner anyway , if you know anything about being accused by the Inquisition .

So I’d be in prison , in a cramped cell , where I couldn’t stretch out to sleep and I couldn’t stand up . The Dominicans or the Franciscans , who did the inquisitions , would have already confiscated my property even though my official trial had not yet occurred . They’d get the tiki carving , too , and probably have to burn it . They might burn it when they burned me . We could share a stake .

But I digress . Joe asked about the tiki .

My tenant in the canyon house moved out and he left the tiki carving . I’m not sure if it belonged to him or to the tenant who rented the place before he did . I liked the look of it and I took it home . Long and slender , it fit nicely on the porch pillar . It’s covering up an ornate  ceramic thermometer that hadn’t worked in a long time . So in my mind , I quickly and effectively solved the problem of having to unscrew the old broken thermometer from the post . ( Please don’t tell Ada  ) .

I’m willing to give the tiki to Joe if he builds a tiki bar and invites me over .


Filed under humor

2 responses to “tiki

  1. Makes me want to have a fruity drink with an umbrella.

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