I say twenty-seven , but I fear that they shift and change . It seems like that . There are several very integral rules , evidently , for correctly making a bed . And these don’t even include how to pile and arrange the pillows that decorate the finished product .
For years I thought that a person just climbs into bed and pulls the blanket up if the night is cold . The blanket , therefore , has to be somewhat spread out , enough to cover a human body or two , at least . Simple , right ?
But I was wrong .
I can understand that , in a context of military discipline, a soldier’s bed will have to be made according to certain specifications , so that the inspecting officer will be able to bounce a quarter off of it , for example . I understand that a nurse needs to make a hospital bed neatly , with sharp ” hospital corners ” . And hotel/motel workers should be able to make a neat bed so that customers will have the assurance that no one has already been in there and used the same sheets . I get that .
When I was a bachelor I used to pull the blanket up at night . For years I slept on a pullout couch . I simply folded the blanket up and collapsed the couch for the day ; pulled it open and unfolded the blanket at night . Seemed simple enough. Seemed to work .
But , I find that that isn’t any way for a decent human being to live . I’ve known that for decades , I assure you , ever since I’ve been married . I’ve never paid much attention to the world of making-of-beds , though . I’ve wondered from time to time , as most men do probably , about the pillow -piling . Some women pile hoards of pillows on top of the bed . What’s that all about ? The pillows just have to be taken off and then neatly piled up again and then taken off . There has to be a place for them to spend each night , too , not on the bed . I shouldn’t really say ” piled up ” , because I am quite sure there is a system . They are , of course , arranged somehow . It’s not a military or a hospital style , but there is , no doubt , a style , specifications , a certain precise discipline . Men, although living under this strict discipline , don’t know what those secret specifications are . I think that’s a universal truth .
I’ve been assigned , recently , to making the bed . I think maybe that I volunteered . I foolishly thought that I was experienced enough to accomplish the task . It all looked pretty good to me when I finished . But it was declared a disaster , an unsleepable disaster !
I admit that I was not aware that the final cover on our bed has fringe on three edges but not the fourth . The fourth edge is , of course , the edge that should be at the top of the bed , the head of the bed . Otherwise you’ve got fringe under you chin when you pull the cover up . O.K. , I admit that I never noticed the non fringe edge ever before and that it makes a difference when making the bed .
Rule # 2 : smooth edge of cover goes at head of bed
You may wonder where is rule # 1 . Good question . First of all , it should be noted that I have never acquired a copy of the secret specifications . I’m sure that they have their own logic and order . I , in the absence of real information , am winging it . Be aware of that . I’m doing my best to replicate the actual rules . Anyhow , rule # 1 is : air the bed . What you should do , apparently , is pull the covers all back and let them sit on the foot of the bed . How long ? Good question . There must be a definite time , but I don’t know what it would be . Perhaps it varies . Bed-makers , no doubt , must be ready to be versatile and flexible .
It could be that there are no hard-and-fast rules after all , that they change , perhaps constantly ; that they can’t be pinned down , written down , set in stone . Perhaps they are shape-shifters constantly on the move , avoiding detection . It could be , I suspect , that men are unable to detect them . Like stealth aircraft they are difficult , if not impossible , for men to detect .
There are , I can assure you , certain specific rules about where the edges of the sheets need to be when the bed is made . Obviously the top sheet must be upside down , so that when the top of it is turned over it will show the fancy side up for a few inches . This item of information , for example , is not obvious to the uninitiated .
I had a lesson today in making the bed properly . It was a step-by-step demonstration . I’m sure that I got all the nuances , the quirks , the proper procedures down . I’m confident that I can now make a bed properly .
But then , I was sure before , several tries before today , that I knew how to do a good job with making the bed . But I was mistaken . Ada took to saying , ” Are you doing this on purpose ? ” She thought that I might be intentionally sabotaging the process . I almost wish that I had been into sabotage , had thought of it . It might have saved me a lot of bed-making stress . But it wasn’t sabotage .
Now that I’m retired , I’m not giving up on the bed-making thing . It’s a challenge . I have time . Like fixing a broken clothes dryer , it won’t annoy me to try again . And again . And again . Eventually I might be successful . Ada might go crazy in the meantime , but I’ll be alright .
I haven’t explored the internet , yet , for bed-making procedures . Maybe there will be training videos . There were such videos for dryer repair . But , I doubt that such secrets are out there anywhere .
I’m not blogging a list , 27 or otherwise , of bed-making rules . I don’t know how many rules there are . There might only be 10 essential rules. There might be many more . If I knew them , anyway , I wouldn’t be allowed , probably , to reveal them ; or they would already have been changed by the time I posted them .