cartoon dancersI was never good at making lists . Sometimes in years past I have written lists  for this or for that . But , then , the list having been scribbled on a scrap of paper , I’d sooner or later toss it out . I’d toss it out for a list of reasons . Maybe too many scraps accumulated . Maybe the list was unreadable by the time I got curious enough to read it . Maybe it was out of date by the time I would read it . Maybe I’d file it away for future reference ; and then it was destined to being  lost forever .

So I’m going to do a list : 100 Best Reasons For Not Making Lists . Or : Nine Million Reasons To Avoid Making Lists . Or perhaps  : How To Lead A Listless Life . list

No, I’m not going to make any list . Maybe I am anti-list .  President Obama made a list . When he was elected he wrote down what he would accomplish as President . And then he met the House of Representatives .

Old Adolf Schiekelgruber , the Austrian  painter , made a list of countries to conquer . It worked for him for awhile . But then the whole thing kind of backfired and he blew his brains out in an underground bunker in Berlin . It would have been better , no doubt , had he not gone down the list so aggressively .

Check Google , why don’t you, for  top 10 lists . Some of the titles are fascinating , funny, intriguing . How about : TOP 10 PEOPLE WITH NAMES PERFECTLY SUITED FOR WHAT THEY DO . That’s probably a good one . I’m not going to read the lists . I’m anti-list , I guess .

I’m writing this because a fellow blogger over at   Tales from the Motherland    wrote a list of her 100 favorite movies . Commenters  chimed in : Why wasn’t Gone With The Wind  included ? Why wasn’t Maltese Falcon or Double Indemnity included ? It would have been on my list! It should have been listed ! My whole world is disrupted now that your list doesn’t match my list !  You call that a list of favorite movies ? Whose ? Not my list ! No way !

cartoon man pokin fat man in stomach

If you are a lister , and you can’t help yourself ,  I might suggest that you keep your list to yourself . Put it up on the ice box door if you want . Stick it up there with  the little magnetized real estate ad that you got as junk mail once , or with the little chipped banana-shaped magnet . Or , better , with both . Interested parties in your house can have a look , a good look if they so desire . Readers of your list will have some understanding of you . If you change the list , drop some items , cross them out with a fat pencil or sloppily with a thin pink marker , or if you add an item or two later on , no one will throw it in your face ; no one will accuse you of promoting a faulty list . No :  Why didn’t you include this ? Why on earth have you included that ? Are you some kind of a nut ? You’re some kind of a nut !  That list is horrible , crazy , short-sighted , bizarre ! How could you put together such a collection of nonsense ? I wouldn’t have included any of those things . Except for number five , perhaps , and sixteen . Maybe number twenty too . The others ? What in the world were you thinking ! I would definitely have added ………………………

Lists just cause problems . I definitely don’t list ( unless I’ve tasted , on rare occasion ,  too much whisky ) .  I transcend . cartoon man


Filed under humor

3 responses to “lists

  1. Pat

    Being listless, spiritless, languid (Websters), is not something most people would strive for, but you are a lister: Vocabulary lists, punch line lists, etc. Perhaps those are what actually soured you on lists.

  2. I like having a bucket list. But, it’s just a mental list of things I never plan on doing. I’ll add making lists to my list.

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