our pretend fence

It doesn’t like me because it knows I don’t like it . I think it’s silly , useless , annoying .FENCE 001

So , from time to time , it tears my clothes . It loves to grab pockets on cargo pants . Easy prey for it’s claws . Years ago I changed the claws ; took them off of the stationary fence post and fixed them onto the swinging gate . That helped some . That slowed down the pace of vicious pants attacks . Those claws used to be sticking out permanently into the path of passing pedestrians —- well , me , anyway . Ada never seemed to be attacked . ” Oh ,  don’t exaggerate ,” she would say , or she’d offer other poo-pooing responses like that .  I could sense the fence’s toothy smirk behind my back when she spoke . That smarmy rusting wirey  slob .cargo shorts

Why Ada never saw the smirks I don’t know . Why she never had her clothes ripped I don’t know . Well , she never wears cargo pants , but still !  That fence is sneaky .  Pretentious , too . Pretending to have some function or other , sitting there all smug and cozy !  What does it do , anyway ? It’s too short to keep anyone or anything out . Our cats hop it like there’s nothing there . My friends step over it like it’s almost not there .  Once in awhile someone asks , perplexed ,  what the purpose of it is .chain link

What is the purpose of it , indeed  ? Fashion ? The people who owned the house previous to us must have put it in for a reason . To have something shiney to demarcate the back yard from the driveway ?  Some contractor talked them into it so he could make a few extra bucks ?  Little low useless chain link fences were all the rage at the time ? What ?

I’d pull it out , but , but …….Ada likes it . What , is it cute , the corroded  old chain link thing ? I don’t get it .  This is one of those marriage things , like which way the toilet paper should roll , over or under ; but this one is less common . Little useless chain link fence or no little useless chin link fence ?   It’s not going to make or break the marriage , but it’s an ongoing unresolved difference issue . I’m not on the fence about this .

Time to mend fences .

It’s sunk in concrete , of course . It would require some considerable effort to extract the  impacted old thing . Oh , but wouldn’t it be so nice to be finally done with it ! Even to put in a decent respectable fence if we want to , or an  arch , and plant wisteria to climb it . Or grapes . Or roses . Or jasmine . Or anything .

I see that little fence watching silently as I write this . Hunkered down in it’s spot .Beady -eyed .  It’s not worried . It’s been around a long time . When you’ve been around a long time you sometimes think you’ll be around forever and ever , smirking , basking in the sunshine , proudly settled into a cozy inertia .FENCE 002

Even skunks aren’t stopped by the fence , by the way .  They arrive at night and  slip easily under the gate ,  not slowed in the slightest .

I would wave my fist at the little low rusting purposeless chain link idle thing and say , Ralph Cramden – like , ” One of these days ! ” , but I wouldn’t give that pretentious good-for-nothing little low fence the satisfaction of witnessing my frustration .

Ada might look at me , too , if I got too demonstrative about the fence , might look from me to the fence  , and back  to me ,  pondering , and  maybe even say out loud    , ” Yeah , and what about you ? ”

And then all I could say in my defense is at least I don’t tear pockets off cargo pants out of pure spite . At least I don’t do that .


Filed under humor

8 responses to “our pretend fence

  1. Can you hang lights on it at Christmas? or little scary things on halloween? Maybe that’s what it’s there for.
    Very funny! 🙂 I like your sense of humor.

  2. We have a similar but functional fence. We need it to keep our dog in our yard. As for the claw like things, you could always move them down to ground level. That’s were ours is, and you can operate it with your foot. It’s a pain here when it snows, you have to dig it out first, but that doesn’t seem like it would be a problem for you. I don’t need it up, because I tear my cargo pants on the latch to our screen door.

  3. I remember that fence. I wondered, why does Dan have that half fence there. Joyce’s definition of a pier? A disappointed bridge (see Ulysses, Episode 2). You have a disappointed fence. It’s like an island in a kitchen, a walk-around, a disappointed wall. I like the idea of hanging lights on the fence, particularly if you incorporated a tiki-theme of some sort (for ideas, see The Purple Orchid, in ES), but still, a disappointed bridge. A fence to nowhere. Here’s my idea. Take out the chain link part and the top bar but leave the pole and stick a flag in the pole. An Arcadia flag that can be seen from Monrovia. Maybe put in a really tall one, that can be seen from El Segundo, or at least from the top of Palos Verdes. Tell Ada the mailman rammed the fence and you had to take it out.

    • Good fences make good neighbors . Didn’t Robert Frost say that ? Or , was it good walls ? Hey , I should wall the fence in —- future generations could unearth it centuries from now — and wonder : what the hell ? If future generations still wonder . P.S. Can’t see El Segundo from Arcadia unless I climb the hill up the street and climb to Mt. Wilson .

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