lock outs

chain linkSo , I go out in the front yard  to hose down the heater grate . Three minutes tops . [ What’s a heater grate ? This is not a post about heater grates so I’m not going to explain .  Live with it . Guess .  Does it matter ? If it does , then any guess is right . ]When I try to open the security door to get back into the house ………..[Wait for it ]……it’s locked .

Our doorbell works sometimes and doesn’t work at other times . I push the button , usually . At the same time I yell [ Well , it’s kind of a yell ; not so much a screech or a pathetic begging ; sort of a manly holler I would hope ; preceded , of course , by a low growl or a muffled curse word or two ——[  not ” hamburger shit ! ” though ; hamburger shit is reserved for Ikea furniture construction ] for Ada to open the door . She’s locked me out again . ” Oh , did I lock you out ? ” she asks .

Well , it must have been her . The cats can’t reach that high .

” Oh , did I lock you guys out ? ”  Henry  Ford may have asked his striking  workers . Do I hear Walter Reuther hollering from outside the door ? [ I know . You history buffs realized that these two men are from different eras . It’s a figurative reference ; not historical. Get over it ]

I can go out to get the paper in the morning , strolling  a mere 35 feet from the front door . How long does that take ? One minute round trip ? And the door will be locked by the time I get back  if Ada has passed by . It’s a reflex . I don’t take it personally .

But maybe I should . I’m not the quickest thinker on the planet , not the sharpest knife in the block .  In my case things take a while to sink in . Sometimes my mind tosses and rattles an idea around within the depths of my cavernous brain for months , years , churning it , honing it , rolling it around on its tongue to see just how it tastes . And then , usually in the middle of the night , I wake up with a completed  thought , an answer , a clear and shiningly amazing   insight . Does that ever happen to you ? It’s decades , sometimes , and suddenly the light bulb flickers on , shines a bright and wonderful light on an idea lost , by now ,  in the meandering endless trickle of time . ” So , that’s what was going on that day ! ”   ;  or ,  ” We could have done that ; that would have worked  ! Yeah ” ; or : ” So that’s what he meant ! “mime

Way too late , of course .

I couldn’t be a trial lawyer . Can you imagine the judge and the courtroom full of people waiting for my brilliant reply ?  I’d stand there in my inimitable catatonia , waiting for the right-on, to -the- crux- of- the- matter   thought that would lead to my influential and insightful words ……….. and waiting . How much time have you got , judge ? Folks ? Can you come back in a few weeks ,  maybe a month ?   Well , I’m certain no longer than  a couple of years . Usually . I’ll have a winning reply by then .

So , anyway . Ada has this habit of locking me out . I’m all for security , too . But , you know , come on !  No bad guy is likely to rush into the house , skirting rapidly past me , as I wobble determinedly along the concrete path from the front door to the little wisteria tree near the sidewalk where the newspaper usually lands when thrown from a recklessly speeding car early in the morning .

In my neighborhood , that newspaper delivery car is the most dangerous thing I can think of . That , and the possibility one fine day of being sprayed by one of the neighborhood skunks who becomes  bored or irritated by something or other and all of a sudden needs a target .

A friend of ours visited his son in Minneapolis a few years ago ;  went out early in the morning to get the paper . Being a guy raised in Greece and now living in Southern California , he went out on the icy walkway in bathrobe and slippers . The slippers slipped .   He fell and broke his leg and was stuck there at the end of the walk , helpless , like an upturned beetle .  His  family in the house were all asleep . Lucky for him ,  a  neighbor called the house a little while  later : ” There’s a strange man lying on your driveway in the snow . “clenched fists

At least Arcadia isn’t snow country , because if it were , I could be in some real danger . So , I should count my blessings . And I should always  carry a key to the front security door with me .  And I shouldn’t take the lock -outs personally , I suppose . At least Ada  hasn’t changed the lock .Edison and Ford 1930

Yet .


Filed under humor

3 responses to “lock outs

  1. Reblogged this on itkindofgotawayfromyou and commented:

    Here’s an old one . ( Still happens ! )

  2. My wife locks everything and she’s fast. When I leave for work, if I forget my coffee, I need a key.

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