behind the quoted price ( other Dan version )

two facesOnce again I am stealing borrowing an idea from a fellow blogger over at No Facilities , another Dan . He doesn’t seem to mind if , from time to time , I piggy-back onto one of his ideas . He’s got lots of them , anyhow ! He may not even notice one or two of his ideas missing from time to time , having been absconded with , high-jacked , kidnapped , and dragged over to my silly blog . With all that dragging , of course , they get a little banged up and out-of-shape . So be it . There’s nothing much he can do about it anyway , I guess. His attorneys can talk to my attorneys if he has a problem . If I had attorneys . Okay , his attorneys can talk to my answering machine .

I came close to being sued once , by the way . I thought I’d mention it here before I forget. It sort of fits in , doesn’t it ? One day there came a knock on the door . A young man in worn -out cross trainers und a heavy-metal tee-shirt stood out there on my stoop.( Ada might say here that she was under the impression that there was only one stoop in the house )   ” Dan Hennessy ? ” he asked ;  and , having nothing to hide , I responded honestly and affirmatively . . At that moment he shoved some papers into my hand and immediately initiated  his escape . He was sort-of side stepping away at a quick pace and  looking back at me as if I would make chase and , perhaps , clobber him ( or , perhaps , he was a dyed-in-the-wool Second-Amendmentist and thought I’d shoot him . However , my Uzi was in the shop ) .Robert in Szcz. 2015 093

Now , when this kind of thing happens , a reasonable person’s mind flinches and hurried thoughts kick in . What’s happening ?. The memory banks churn overtime and they review your life experience at a miraculous pace . Mine kicked into action , too . No matches . No exact matches , anyway . I glanced at the papers . Legal mumbo-jumbo . Dan Hennessy was being sued and I’d just been served . Dan Hennessy owned at least eleven gas stations up and down California all the way from Santa Monica to Bakersfield . Maybe more . I was rushing . I had time to turn  only so many pages of legal descriptions of Dan Hennessy’s assets .

I was on a little bit of of a time budget . I had to make sense of this predicament enough to address the process server before he had a chance to hop into his old rusty beater and beat it . The only thing that saved me was this guy’s funny sideways , looking back -suspiciously running style . Like he’ been beaten as a pup and would forever have that fear reflected in his actions .uncertain city sign e. texas

” Wrong guy ! ” I called out . ” Look at this house ! You think if I owned all these gas stations I’d have this house ? ” It was a good question , I thought . Thought-provoking . It wasn’t a put-down of my modest little house , either . No way ! But , hey , let’s face facts !

” Just doing my job ! ” he said . And , after all  , that’s just what he was doing . He took off in a seldom-seen -these- days billowing cloud of blue smoke that burst from his tailpipe and stunk up the street as his old car sputtered away . .

I called the lawyer’s office and got some sharp-voiced harpy on the other end who did acknowledge , at least , that I’d reached the correct place . I told her that , hey , I wish I did own all those stations , but that I didn’t own even one . I wasn’t in the oil business and you got the wrong guy . I thought that I was being helpful . Maybe I’d save them some time . If you’ve ever paid a lawyer , then you know that their time is valuable . J P Morgan

She thought otherwise , as it turned out . She , I think ( I’m not sure ) , swore at me in legal-ese lawyer jargon and invited me inelegantly to dry up and blow away . I retained a bit , a tad , a smidgen , of sympathy for her despite her nasty tone and the harsh verbal lashing she had just administered . Maybe she was having a bad day . Their lawyer- line was  probably  flooded with calls all day long from people trying to weasel out of situations like this .I might have told her to stick it where the sun don’t shine , or something equally refined and meaningful; but , I didn’t . Everyone’s got to make a living , I figure . Not everyone can’t be a lawyer , after all !

Well , back to my topic for this post . It should have had something to do with self-improvement projects , and paying contractors and professionals , and removing brick walls  with spoons . Something like that .   But then I got sidetracked by lawyers , and lawsuits . I will say at this point something I don’t really understand but have heard over and over so often that I know it must be the truth  , that we need tort reform in this country, for sure . Not to mention a really tasty and inexpensive fruit tart . Maybe a chain of dessert places called Tarts Are Us . And now I’ve lost my train of thought totally , thank you very much !

I’m gonna write about those do-it-yourself projects , though , don’t you worry ; but not in this post . People have better things to do with their time .

15 Comments

Filed under humor

15 responses to “behind the quoted price ( other Dan version )

  1. Dan Hen, A friend of mine, name of Fiorella, urged me to visit your blog. You are a master of precise focus on a topic, which talent would defy your sense of humor. I’m so glad to know that you survived the onslaught of a gentleman’s career with your ability to laugh at it all intact. Fiorella was right; I really can hear your voice coming down from that rock. Believe me here, please. I once, many years ago, had my credit rating ruined because a collection agency attached a guy’s business records to my name (same name as this guy; the nerve of him). This sly fox had closed down his business without paying his outstanding taxes. Took me a few years and an honest-to-toot lawyer to clear things up. Stay well, good man. Feed us more stories.

    • I should tell you my Somerville , Mass. , Italian tales . I think I will . Sometime soon . ” Hey , Dan , you’re not Italian , are you ? ” A good guess . Granny Patichiolla : ” Imma chicken !” Me : ” Imma chicken too ! ” Aunt Helen: ” Mamma , Adriano , he don’t like the corn . They only feed corn to the chickens in Italy .” It’s a long story .

  2. I can see that there’s very little up-side to suing you Dan. Besides, I think you’re doing me a favor by exposing my blog to your readership. A long time ago I wrote about having to deliver (while working for Post Office) a citation to a woman with whom I had been in an accident. She thought the accident was my fault, but the State Police saw things differently. I was just doing my job.

    • I , also , once served papers to a lawyer in downtown Los Angles , from an old half-senile old lawyer who I , somehow , used to read to ( mostly blind , too ). Nothing ever came of it . I remember your story . Life in the fast lane ?

  3. I left an earlier comment that disappeared, so maybe I should be more brief. Once again, Dan, I enjoyed your circuitous style that’s all a part of your road to humor. Much enjoyed. You’ve inspired me to 1. add a link to your site on mine, and 2. To write sometime today about a subject that heretofore I hesitated to broach, a lovely subject that might interest you (if ever I complete it). Stay well. Feed us more stories.

    • My stuff disappears , too. CIA ? NSA ? Homeland Security ? If any ( or all ) of them have my stuff , I say good luck trying to decipher it .
      I have yet to give your writing my full attention . Thanks for the comments , and I’ll see if I remember how to read .

  4. I think I got gas once at one of your stations. I didn’t know you had a chain. The guy working your pump didn’t wash my window; said, “This ain’t no car wash, buddy.” Maybe that’s why you got sued?

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