conspiracy trouble



We were up on the mountain last weekend listening to the radio . A young woman droned on and on about all the conspiracies in America . For a small donation the radio station would send us a book that reveals the disgusting horrible truth about America . It would turn our world ( and our stomachs ) upside down .model hair down 1895

She was using her harpy voice . Maybe she was a pleasant sort of a person off the air , but had somehow cornered a harpy ,  beaten   the poor thing up , and stolen her voice . Thought , no doubt , that the grating sound would give her gravitas . Maybe a flustered station manager had told her to give the conspiracy show  her best shot , enhance her game , pull no punches , or else . Maybe the manager  had suggested the harpy-beating scheme . I don’t know .dancer tamar

My friend Bill had a woman living in his basement who thought Bill was sneaking in when she was out and shrinking her clothes .  She presented him with proof . Some of us wondered how exactly Bill was doing it , not being one especially adept in the  laundry , and why he didn’t stop . He was driving the poor woman crazy , and we had proof . Anyone meeting her could see the result of Bill’s dirty tricks .

I know for a fact that Ada goes around the house and hides my stuff . She denies it , of course , as all conspirators will , but that doesn’t make the stuff come back now , does it ?

My grandfather used to know people who  talked through their hats . I don’t know too many people like that . Of course , not many people wear hats these days .

Native Americans pointed out people , often government men , who spoke with forked tongues , and these forked tongues weren’t fashion statement tongues . These forked -tongued folk may also have been able to talk from both sides of their mouths at once . No doubt they were two-faced too .

I had a cousin who used to take lots of things with a grain of salt . A big smile , a kind word , and a grain of salt . He knew what was what .

I’m not sending a contribution to the radio station to get the conspiracy book . I don’t care about conspiracies . One could spend one’s entire life chasing conspiracies . There are  secret groups who want people to do that , perhaps because it keeps them from immediately fomenting violent Revolution .

I spent all of my cash, anyway ,  on wood planks and nails . I’m nailing myself into the house , door-by-door, window-by-window , crawl space-by crawl space . It’s the only reasonable strategy to stay safe these days  .

I’m not sure yet about the chimney , whether or not to nail that shut .  Santa’s got to get in somewhere . At least we can count on dear old Santa .santa and kids





Filed under humor

6 responses to “conspiracy trouble

  1. Dan Hen, If it’s true that laughter makes you live longer, then I just gained a week or so. Then again, you can’t believe what anyone says these days. Not even voices on the radio. Leave a crack’s worth of space open in one of your walls so Ada can slip in to feed you once in a while. Merry Christmas.

  2. I’m not so sure about ‘Dear Old Santa’ either. I mean think about it: a complete stranger, wearing a disguise, sneaks into your home, at night, WHILE YOU SLEEP!!! and leaves unidentified packages…hmmm

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