stealing plants

I don’t claim any special power with plants . Ada tells people that I have a green thumb , but that’s an exaggeration . I like to garden , though , and by trial and error over the years , I know something about it . We live in a climate where it’s not difficult to get things to grow . The weather is mild and forgiving . The soil is usually good . We need to water things , though .flowers yard april 2014 017

And, that’s where my story starts. It’s a confession , really . Good for the soul , perhaps . Bless me reader , for I have sinned .

My neighbors built themselves a huge house where the old little one used to be . The pretense is always that the construction is  ” a renovation ” because one wall is left standing , usually propped up with a two X four . In this case , the propped- up wall came down a couple of times and then was propped back up again  , no doubt for the benefit of the city inspector . That way , the inspector could share in the “renovation” fantasy . Well , that’s neither here nor there  . This post is about the theft of a couple of plants .

The neighbor bought several plants with the intention of landscaping their front yard . A few of them he and his wife planted , but several of the pots were put along the side of the house . Weeks passed . The plants began to dry up and  die , one after another . There were ten or twelve lavenders in gallon plastic pots , all dying of thirst . When only three or four were still alive I decided to act . I had  watched them dying there on a daily basis  because they were lined up near my driveway .cats 009

Just call me Plant Saver !  I took one , moved it to my backyard , and watered it . That was a few weeks ago .   It’s out there now ,  thriving . Green thumb ? No . How about keeping  plants watered ? It’s not rocket science .

I know ; I know ; you’re going to say , ” How come you didn’t just ask the neighbor if you could have the plants ? ” 1.  Because it’s easier to apologize , if necessary , than to ask permission . 2. Because my neighbors work long hours and are seldom home to ask . 3. Because , to tell you the truth , I was irritated at the shabby treatment these plants were getting , the neglect . The neighbors are nice people , but  plant abuse is just not right . What was it that Goldwater said ? : ” Extremism in the cause of liberty is no vice ” , or was that something else he said ? He wasn’t talking about plants , of course ,  but you know what I mean .

Ada was surprised and perhaps a bit shocked that I had absconded with the neighbors’ plant . I explained to Ada that it had been more of a rescue mission  than a theft .

So , time goes by.  More weeks pass . Now , yesterday , only one of the neighbor’s plants is still hanging on to life . So , yeah . I snatched it.  ” Liberated ” it , as people used to say . Stole it . Swiped it , as we used to say before ” swipe ” took on a whole different meaning .  When someone in a store nowadays says ” Swipe your card ” the expression still strikes me as odd .The old meaning was better , in my opinion .

” What happened to your bike ? “

” Jimmy swiped it .”

Now Jimmy swipes credit cards all over town . Maybe the new chip in American credit cards will make swiping them obsolete . If that happens , it’ll be one less thing for me to worry about .

When the lavender plants  grow up a bit , I could offer to give  them back to my neighbor . That could happen . I’ll spill the beans at that point  about my actions   , throw myself at his and her mercy , apologize for my thievery , say that I don’t know what overcame me . Channeling  Flip Wilson for a minute, I might announce  : ” The devil made me do it ! ” That could happen . I wouldn’t necessarily recommend that you bet on that ;  but the world is unpredictable , so who knows .





Filed under humor

12 responses to “stealing plants

  1. Dear Mr. DanJeans,

    Only you could squeeze the name Goldwater into a story about golding plants, then watering them back to love.

    Well done.

    Cheesus, sometimes I fear for Ada’s sanity.

  2. I like theorem plant saver too – or mr rescue….
    and it sounds like they needed your TLC Dan
    and you should give them a small piece of lavender and remind them as to how medicinal it is – and they can thank you later – ha!

    • About giving them a piece of lavender : I have a friend whose neighbors locked themselves out of their house , so my friend offered to help . He used a credit card to jimmy the lock open. They got into the house but always , from that moment on , looked at him with suspicion . I think I might pass on the lavender offer .

      • got it – but overtime I have given anyone a lavender plant (not a sprig – but a potted plant they can enjoy all season) well they have thanked me tremendously = and I thought one of the plants you rescued was a lavender – anyhow, even the dog whisperer uses lavender to help calm dogs… and so I am not sure how any suspicion would ensue – hm – but go with your gut

      • 🙂 You might be right.

  3. If you hadn’t saved them, neither you nor your neighbor would have those plants. They may ask you to replace them, but they don’t seem to have the time to mess with gardening just yet, they’re busy working to pay for the “restoration” deception.

  4. On the other hand, you’re not charging them rent or for the water you used in saving thier plants. With penalties and interest, I’m guessing you can keep the plants and they’ll still owe you a few cents.

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