kiss my IRS

I get calls from the IRS , sometimes seemingly routed through India , threatening calls . First of all , no one likes to get unsolicited calls from the IRS . I don’t like to get mail from the IRS either . It’s bad enough having to deal with the IRS once a year . Now they want me , by the way , to check in on a quarterly basis  ; but I ignored that letter from them . Once a year checking in with the IRS is enough for me  .

And now , for a few  months , the calls .

One of the (recorded) calls informed me that the IRS was proceeding with a court case against me unless I avoid the problem by  calling the number given  and that , otherwise , a case  would be filed against me at the nearest county courthouse  . Someone , I think , should tell the IRS that they are a federal agency  and so any case would be at the federal courthouse .

Well , they can’t seem to decide where they will file the case against me if I don’t call their number . They have given various alternatives over the last few months . Unfortunately it’s always a recorded voice , so I can’t ask any questions , like ” What time is it in Nigeria now ? Isn’t there a nine -hour time difference ? “luck

I was dealing with the real IRS this year and we , old acquaintances that we are ,   traded a few letters back and forth . It seems , oddly enough , that they believed that I owed them more money than they had yet received from me . I tried logic to argue my position . Arguing with the IRS is always intriguing , I think . Logic isn’t really the currency used in such transactions. I suspect that they have a host of astrologers there , wherever their offices are , who consult the stars before declaring payers delinquent , or in arrears , or whatever language they use . Always there are late penalties plus interest , too , of course . Unfortunately , it would do me no good to threaten them with late charges and penalties for their delinquency and delay in returning to me what they owe . But such is life .

A friend of mine told me to report the IRS phone threats to the Secret Service . That’s who you report those calls to , she said . I’ve been delinquent in doing so . I figure the Secret Service , or the local cops , or the real IRS have enough to do without this little extra irritation . Maybe I’m thinking wrong on that . Maybe I should immediately report the IRS calls  . Next time they call , maybe I will .

I had almost abandoned my negotiations with the IRS about our difference of opinion regarding 2014 taxes , when I , sort of out of the blue , received a check from them . I checked my records and found that their check covered , give-or-take a few bucks , the entire  debt that I had been telling them that they owed me . And they had added , on their own , interest for all of those months when they were dragging their feet . I guess that I should have demanded they pay penalties , too , but it is too late now . So , you see, miracles happen . I suppose the team of IRS astrologers woke up one morning  to find Mars ascending , bright lights in the southern skies , the planets wobbling , or something , and knew that they needed to send me money .

It gets better , though . Another call from the IRS came in ; threats to take me to court again , and by coincidence I get another check from the IRS that same day . The astrologers must have seen something pretty ominous in the night skies . I won’t tell you how much this check was for , but it was big , and , after all , found money is found money . I considered , for about an eighth of a second , sending it back to the IRS ; but , then I realized that the IRS doesn’t seem to appreciate me questioning their decisions .


Filed under humor

5 responses to “kiss my IRS

  1. I heard that we have a kinder-gentler IRS these days. No more smacking you around with rule books and 1040s. Maybe they’re repenting for past sins.

  2. All these scams, like the “Microsoft” ones simply rely on 5% taking them seriously – and it is with that percentage that they make millions!!

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