Girls don’t make passes at guys who use the wrong glasses —- anonymous
I don’t want to talk about eye glasses . That’s another animal entirely . I want to discuss drinking glasses . There are exactly 23,879 different shapes of glasses in the Free World . Remember the Free World ?
Of course , I might be slightly wrong on the count . It changes all the time . Some styles are discontinued and some new ones are introduced . Let’s just say that , to be more accurate , there is a margin of error of , say , 60 % . Give or take . But I’m always willing to be corrected , if you’d like to do a recount or can cite some trustworthy person or agency who has done a more accurate count in recent months .
I ran in to a couple of nice beer glass designs [ note: I didn’t run into the beer glasses . Maybe Alice in Wonderland does that sort of thing , but I don’t ] in Poland this year . One glass had a slight curve . It was a half-liter glass and curved like a rams horn ; but the curve was so gradual that I didn’t notice it at first , probably because I was looking at the copper beer-making equipment a few feet away in the little brewery where I was having the beer . After a couple of sips of beer I did notice something odd about the glass and wondered if it was a hallucination , and wondered could I really be so drunk on two or three sips of this micro-brew stuff as to think the usual straight-tapered glass suddenly seemed like it wasn’t . Well , stranger things have happened .
I’ll try not to bore you with my little Polish beer traumas , though . On to my story about glasses !
I was thinking , recently , about a wedding party that Ada and I were invited to several years ago at The Top of the Mark , the 19th floor lounge at the Mark Hopkins Hotel in San Francisco . Very fancy . Very . There were several round tables crammed with wedding guests . I was sitting next to an assistant principal at the school where at I teached in those days . Well , to be more accurate , for the record , I was a dean then , handling discipline , and I wasn’t teaching nothing . Let’s just call this AP sitting next to me at The Top of the Mark Bobby . Bobby and I worked closely together at the school .
Bobby was a Latino , a Hollenbeck boy , an East L.A. homeboy , and proud of it . He had taught in the Hollenbeck area just east of downtown , from what he referred to as ” Hell and Back ” . He was ambitious , too , as it turned out , and he was appointed a high-and-mighty mini-superintendent in the L.A. school system a few years later . Be that as it may .
Anyway . Waiters were coming around with bottles of wine , circling the tables like mother birds while we frilly-feathered , dressed-up wedding guest fledglings held out our wine glasses like open baby birdie beaks and the oh -so proper waiters and waitresses filled up the glasses . They filled everyone’s glass but my friend Bobby’s . Passed him right by .
Then another pass of the waiters and waitresses with the wine , and they again passed Bobby by . I could see his blood immediately rise after the second shun . If he’d been Irish , then his Irish was up . He wasn’t going to stand for this shabby treatment ! No way , man ! So he confronted the waiter who began making another round .
” Why won’t you pour me wine ? ”
The waiter said calmly and oh-so matter-of-factly : ” Yours is a white wine glass , sir , and this is red wine . ”
Bobby , the future school superintendent , sat back down in his chair , corrected and defeated .
” I can’t take you anywhere ,” I said .
Ada and I have wine glasses at home , the red wine and the white wine variety . I’m still not sure which are for white wine , the fatter ones or the thinner ones ? And some , to add to the confusion , are in between . Ada knows the difference , however . I know that she knows , because when friends come over , I inadvertently pour red wine into a white wine glass , or vice versa . Evidently , that’s a huge fow- paw !
It seems to me that a red wine glass works just about as well for white wine as for red . Maybe a little too small for beer , except in an emergency , but either one , red or white , could also be used , if necessary , for whiskey , water , vodka , or shnapps , etc. [ Don’t mention this last comment to Ada . She’ll chastise me for the household protocol heresy and no doubt watch me more closely when we have guests over for dinner ].
We were in Poland and friends were over at our apartment for drinks . The gals wanted wine [ white wine ; but we , mercifully , have only one type of wine glass on hand , so no traumatic decisions had to be made ] , and the guys were drinking beer and/or Irish Whiskey . We ran out of taller glasses for the beer , having no beer mugs , so I reached for a shorter water glass .
But , I got caught . ” What are you doing ? ” Ada asked in her Master and Commander voice . I explained the problem . ” Polish people don’t like to drink beer from that type of glass ,” she said . The law had been laid down . In order to avoid an international incident , I found a taller glass . Maybe Ada found the glass for me .
We were over at Willie’s for dinner a few nights ago . I reached for a large brandy glass , seeing no better ones at that moment , for my beer . Willie , being English , was non-confrontational and polite . He offered me a beer mug , urged me to take one , but I pointed out that the beer had already been poured . I suppose that , underneath my elegant and sophisticated facade , I’m just an etiquette reprobate , not following the commonly agreed-upon rules . I could see that Willie was slightly bent out of shape about the glass that I was using , somewhat flummoxed , but he didn’t press the point or throw me out .
Wrong glass ! Wrong one .
My mother used to say , ” It all goes the same place “, and I guess I adhere to that general dictum. So , sue me .
Another friend of mine gave me a set of specially-shaped beer glasses for Christmas a few years ago . They look a little like wine glasses . He explained how the shape channels the whatever and creates a great whatever and so makes the beer taste much better . All I know is that the glasses he gave me work just about as well as a Mason jar does , or a beer mug , or a water glass , or a coffee mug for that matter , or a pewter beaker, or a highball glass ,or even a brandy snifter . So , sue me .
Finally , the one glass I might object to for beer drinking is a long tall champagne -type glass that restaurants about twenty-five years ago used to serve beer in . I , inevitably , would knock the things over and the beer would spill over the table . They were just too tall and unstable . Thank heaven someone came to his/her senses about that little harebrained, daft , asinine idea . Sure , it looked urbane and sophisticated……………………… We have a slew of them , for some reason , hiding out in our garage . If you want them you can have them , but I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy .