Girls don’t make passes at guys  who use the wrong glasses —- anonymous


I don’t want to talk about eye glasses . That’s another animal entirely . I want to discuss drinking glasses . There are exactly 23,879 different shapes of glasses in the Free World . Remember the Free World ?

Of course , I might be slightly wrong on the count . It changes all the time . Some styles are discontinued and some new ones are introduced . Let’s just say that , to be more accurate , there is a margin of error of  , say , 60 %  . Give or take . But I’m always willing to be corrected , if you’d like to do a recount or can cite some trustworthy person or agency who has done a more accurate count in recent months .

I ran in to a couple of nice beer glass designs [ note: I didn’t run into  the beer glasses . Maybe Alice in Wonderland does that sort of thing , but  I don’t  ]  in Poland this year . One glass had a slight curve . It was a half-liter glass and curved like a rams horn ; but the curve was so gradual that I  didn’t notice it at first , probably because I was looking at the copper beer-making equipment a few feet away in the little brewery where I was having the beer . After a couple of sips of beer I did notice something odd about the glass and wondered if it was a hallucination , and wondered could  I really be so drunk on two or three sips of this micro-brew stuff as to think the usual straight-tapered glass suddenly seemed like it wasn’t . Well , stranger things have happened .

I’ll try not to bore you with my little Polish beer traumas , though . On to my story about glasses !

I was thinking , recently , about a wedding party that Ada and I were invited to several years ago at The Top of the Mark , the 19th floor lounge at the Mark Hopkins Hotel in San Francisco . Very fancy . Very . There were several round tables crammed with wedding guests . I was sitting next to an assistant principal at the school where at I teached in those days . Well , to be more accurate , for the record , I was  a dean then , handling discipline ,  and I wasn’t teaching  nothing . Let’s just call this AP sitting next to me at The Top of the Mark  Bobby . Bobby and I worked closely together at the school .

Bobby was a Latino , a Hollenbeck boy , an East L.A. homeboy , and proud of it . He had taught in the Hollenbeck area just east of downtown , from what he referred to as ” Hell and Back ” . He was ambitious , too , as it turned out , and he was appointed  a high-and-mighty mini-superintendent in the L.A. school system a few years later . Be that as it may .

Anyway . Waiters were coming around with bottles of wine , circling the tables like mother birds while  we frilly-feathered , dressed-up wedding guest fledglings held out our wine glasses like open baby birdie beaks and the oh -so proper waiters and waitresses filled up the glasses  . They filled everyone’s glass but my friend Bobby’s . Passed him right by .

Then another pass of the waiters and waitresses with the wine  , and they again passed Bobby by . I could see his blood  immediately rise after the second shun .  If he’d been Irish , then his Irish was up . He wasn’t going to stand for this shabby treatment !   No way , man !  So he confronted the waiter who began making another round  .

” Why won’t you pour me  wine ? ”

The waiter said calmly and oh-so matter-of-factly : ” Yours is a white wine glass , sir , and this is red wine . ”

Bobby , the future school superintendent , sat back down in his chair , corrected and defeated .

” I can’t take you anywhere ,” I said .

Ada and I have wine glasses at home , the red wine and the white wine variety . I’m still not sure which are for white wine , the fatter ones or the thinner ones ? And some , to add to the confusion , are in between . Ada knows the difference , however . I know that she knows , because when friends come over , I inadvertently pour red wine into a white wine glass , or vice versa . Evidently , that’s a huge fow- paw !

It seems to me that a red wine glass works just about as well for white wine as for red . Maybe a little too small for beer , except in an emergency , but either one , red or white ,  could also be used , if necessary , for whiskey , water , vodka , or shnapps , etc. [ Don’t mention this last comment to Ada . She’ll chastise me for the household protocol heresy and no doubt watch me more closely when we have guests over for dinner ].

We were in Poland and friends were over at our apartment for drinks . The gals wanted wine [ white wine ; but we , mercifully , have only one type of wine glass on hand , so no traumatic decisions had to be made ] , and the guys were drinking beer and/or Irish Whiskey . We ran out of taller glasses for the beer , having no beer mugs , so I reached for a shorter water glass .

But , I got caught . ” What are you doing ? ” Ada asked in her Master and Commander voice . I explained the problem . ” Polish people don’t like to drink beer from that type of glass ,” she said . The law had been laid down .  In order to avoid an international incident , I found a taller glass . Maybe Ada found the glass for me  .

We were over at Willie’s for dinner a few nights ago . I reached for a large brandy glass , seeing no better ones at that  moment , for my beer . Willie , being English , was non-confrontational and polite . He offered me a beer mug , urged me to take one , but I pointed out that the beer had already been poured . I suppose that , underneath my elegant and sophisticated facade , I’m just an etiquette reprobate , not following the commonly agreed-upon  rules . I could see that Willie was slightly bent out of shape about the glass that  I was using , somewhat flummoxed ,  but he didn’t press the point or throw me out .

Wrong glass  !  Wrong one .KutaisiTblisi 2016 1172

My mother used to say , ” It all goes the same place “, and I guess I adhere to that general dictum.  So , sue me .

Another friend of mine gave me a set of specially-shaped beer glasses for Christmas a few years ago . They look a little like wine glasses . He explained how the shape channels the whatever and creates a great whatever and so makes the beer taste much better . All I know is that the glasses he gave me work just about as well as a Mason jar  does , or a beer mug , or a water glass , or a coffee mug  for that matter ,  or a pewter beaker,  or a highball glass ,or even a brandy snifter . So , sue me .darse

Finally , the one glass I might object to for beer drinking is a long tall champagne -type glass that restaurants about twenty-five years ago used to serve beer in . I , inevitably , would knock the things over and the beer would spill over the table . They were just too tall and unstable .  Thank heaven someone came to his/her senses about that little harebrained, daft , asinine  idea . Sure , it  looked urbane and sophisticated……………………… We have a slew of them , for some reason , hiding out in our garage . If you want them you can have them , but I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy .










Filed under humor

18 responses to “glasses

  1. At least beer you can avoid confusion by just drinking right out of the bottle. More macho that way.

  2. The only bad glass is an empty one. (burp)

  3. Great post todsy! Thank you for clearing this up, Dan. I’m always amazed when I sit down yo dinner, beer in hand, and someone immediately removes several glasses from the table. It’s great because then I know which stuff is mine.

    I do have to say that I am reminded of the restaurant scene in the original Blues Brothers movie “wrong glass sir” as Elwood swirls a wine/water glass in front of a champaign bottle.

  4. Reblogged this on No Facilities and commented:
    This is classic Dan Hen – The other Dan, not me, that guy, the guy that sometimes leans toward the absurd. Anyway, I really like this post, and I don’t think there’s a lot of overlap between his and my readers, so here ya go. I’ll be back tomorrow, and I’ll be in the bar.

  5. I reblogged this on No Facilities, Today (there, you get another chance)

  6. A “mini-superintendent?” Does that mean you have to be short for the job? One of the founders of the cycling club my husband belongs to has a beer glass (or three or five) for all different kinds of beer. Me? I’m more concerned that the beer going into my glass is dark and smooth, maybe with a bit of chocolate a/o coffee. My beer glasses of choice at home all say “Guinness” on them and work just fine. Cheers!


  7. jan

    Lol! All my beer glasses are swag from now defunct companies!

  8. I read too quickly through Dan’s introduction, just a paragraph or two. I wrote a response to the idea of numerous glass styles for beer. Then, immediately reread the intro and wrote something about eyeglasses. Oops, and drinking a new version of “wine cooler” out of a bottle. Not a good excuse for poor reading skills. 😀
    No glasses suit this errant beverage which once embarrassed a “proper” gentleman date. Bacardi Ice out of a bottle, but I also like hard apple cider or the new Bud margarita stuff.
    Go ahead and cringe, Dan! This was hilarious and I still have the tall glass goblets designed for beer, where you tilt it to only get a small amount of foam. Cheers!

    • Goblet is a good word ! Glad that you stopped by and offered your thoughts . I don’t think I’ve ever tried the wine cooler , etc. , from the can or bottle . Bud margarita stuff ? I don’t think so !

  9. Bee Halton

    ah, the science of the beer/wine/water/etc glass. Never got that one right and the best husband (Jeremy Clarkson voice) and I hold it with your mother: it goes down all the same ;-). Great post!

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