I use soap like I use water . For water I go to the faucet , move the handle , and out comes the water . For soap I go to the bathroom or kitchen and reach for the soap and there it it !

I don’t think about either one much . But if they weren’t there I’d freak . If all of a sudden no water came from any of the faucets ? There’d be panic , frustration . Maybe I could go to my stockpile of water that I have in anticipation of  the BIG ONE and use some of my emergency supply . If I had a stockpile of water . Water not working suddenly turns the world upside down .

Suddenly no soap ? Well, maybe not the same panic . Maybe frustration . Now someone  has to go to the store and buy some . I bought soap once in the last twenty or so years . Ada , the soap buyer , was in Poland and I saw a great deal on two bars of Irish Spring . I jumped on the opportunity .

Not that I needed to buy soap . Our bathroom is stuffed with soap , I think . We have an extensive collection of motel soaps , for example ,  the little bars . Some have fancy floral shapes and some are plain . They sit there year after year and most of them are probably so dried out by now that they are useless .

A note about useless soaps :  Ada likes to put the bar of soap to use right down to the end little flake that inevitably slips down the drain in an amorphous little clump . Meanwhile , she has put two or three used bars of soap together to , supposedly , make a full bar . There are at least a couple of problems with this idea . The first is that these left-over pieces of soap are so old by now and so dried up that they don’t  soften up  enough to be used . I could hold them under hot water for five minutes trying to make a lather , but it never works . The second problem is that when I attempt to use this multi-layered ” bar” of re-formed soap the pieces come apart . One little piece inevitably escapes . I try to put it together with its cohorts but that never works for me . Apparently it works for Ada because she chews me out for breaking up the bar . Those useless bars of hard soap last for months , even years , because they don’t soften up .  Ever .

We also have a supply of fancy soaps . Some came from friends who gifted us with  perfumed soap sculptures of roses or lilies or lion faces . One friend made us a few bars of bright green somewhat transparent soap . We put these special soaps away since they seem too nice to use . Eventually we use them , though , when our soap supply gets to be too much .

One soap we don’t use is the Jesus-on-a-rope  soap. I don’t remember where that one came from . Ada would know. Maybe someone gave it to us .  How does a person use a Jesus soap ? Wouldn’t that be a little wierd ? Soon it would lose it’s face and hands and melt into a phallic shape . Then , wouldn’t that be wierd , too ?  If your answer is NO , then someone should consider Obama soaps or Romney soaps or Brad Pitt soaps . Nicki Minaj  soaps ?  Ronald Reagan soaps ? Queen Elizabeth II soaps ?  Better stay away from Mohammed-on-a-rope soaps , though .

I like soaps not too hard and not too soft . The soft ones disappear too fast and the hard ones hang around too long . There is one in our bathtub soap holder now that is just about right , but it slips out of the porcelein holder if I don’t set it on it’s side . It’s oval -shaped and has a smooth curving edge and it seems counter-intuitive to have to avoid putting it down flat to keep it from sliding into the bath water . I have to put it on its edge or it escapes .  But , every soap has its idiosycrasies , I guess . And there are millions of soaps around .

I suspect that the Babylonians around 2800 B.C. had an easier time with soap . Or the ancient Egyptians . Or , later , the Romans . They probably didn’t have to make many decisions about soap . We are not so lucky ! Even the early American settlers didn’t have to wonder what type of soap to buy . They made their own soap . It had lye in it and it hurt to use it . Heaven forbid they should get it in their eyes !  Some of it was made in forms that gave the bars some decortive form . But it still hurt , at least until Andrew Pears made a kinder soap beginning in 1789 .

Nothern Europe didn’t get soap until the 13th Century . A world without soap ! Just imagine .


Filed under humor

6 responses to “soap

  1. I used to buy soap too. I had my preferred brand. My wife decided that US commercial soaps have too many bad things in them. She buys soap that I think is made up in the woods of Maine. I don’t really like it, but it does the job, unless I’m dirty from working in the garage. Then I use the pump of Citrus He-Man cleaning goop.

  2. I especially like Jesus on a rope, but I’ve heard they make a Pope on a rope. Another way for us Catholics to cleanse.

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