ties that bind

I have a closet full of ties . I gave a box full of them to Goodwill a few months ago and I still have a closet full of ties .

I dislike ties . In any practical sense they are a useless piece of clothing . Hundreds of years ago they might have made some sense . They tied your collar together . A little neck warmer .

But the nobles , of course , had to tie their haughty necks with expensive materials  so everyone would know they were more important people . Then the rich non-nobles needed to compete and show their importance , too . So they tied up their necks  with their own emblems of authority . And the less rich merchants had to get into the act . And so on , and so on , and so on .

And now we have ties . Do you know how to tell a high-quality tie ? Someone showed me  once . Turn it over at the pointy end and rub its belly . There are things to check and I don’t now remember what they are . Labels ? Thread count ? How it’s folded ?  Something .

I’m sure that everyone knows but me how to spot a superior tie . And also , of course , you have to be sure the thing is fat enough but not too fat , or skinny enough but not too skinny . Be in style . If you bow so low to society to wear ties then you may as well be in style . I think that there are , also , the right colors for certain seasons , or correct patterns for the current  year .

Don’t wear an out -of-date tie if your business or law firm or venture marks you partly by your tie . You want to show that you’re up-to-date , innovative , and creative , so for god’s sake  blend in and don’t wear the wrong tie !  Your tie and your career are somehow intertwined . If so  , then your tie might have you by the neck in more ways than one.

I wear ties sometimes because I still feel that  I have to , to funerals and weddings mostly . They are uncomfortable . I don’t keep up on the latest tie trends . My ties are mostly long -ago hand-me-downs from my executive brother who must rotate his ties regularly , or dollar purchases from thrift stores or yard sales . One was a gift from someone I met in New York . It might be a collector’s item now with the  two towers prominently displayed . I have two fish ties . I have a Santa tie . I have a colorful tie made by my sister . I have paisley ties . I have an orange tie .  I have wide ties and thin ties , long ties and short ties . I have dull respectable ties too. I’m ready .

Tecnologically the society has advanced but we are still stuck in the middle ages when it comes to ties . We  still want to show that we are subtly somehow better than others  when we wear our idiotic neckwear  , that we deserve more respect . The inexplicable thing to me is that , generally , people seem to go for this fantasy .

Congress should pass a law against the manufacture , sale , and wearing of ties . There should be a one year amnesty during which time ties can be turned in to the authorities with no penalty . After the one year : mandatory jail time .  Meanwhile the government should fund anti-tie ads on TV and radio . Tie wearing can and should be stopped .


Filed under humor

5 responses to “ties that bind

  1. I’m doing my part, Dan. The last time I had to wear a tie, I decided to buy a new one. I was shocked to find out that a new tie costs more today than I paid for my first suit.

    Thank you for taking up the important challenges over here, Dan. Happy New Year!

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