Daily Archives: December 13, 2018

stop dogging me

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.   Andy Rooney

That said……….

I was reading over on No Facilities recently about a dog-walking incident . What came to mind was a time when I volunteered to watch my sister’s dog for a couple of days , to feed the beast twice a day and also to walk her around the neighborhood . I can do that .

I thought I could do that .






I’m not a dog person. My family had a couple of dogs when I was a kid . I liked them just fine . Just saying ……… Nuff said…………… That being said……………

I have to be a bit cagey as I write this . My cat Cosmo is lurking around . She knows stuff. Cats know stuff . Oh , so nonchalant she appears to the naked eye to be ! She’s listening . She’s listening even though I’m not talking . She can somehow read my mind ( what little of it there is left ). She knows that I’m writing about dogs. She knows and she’s  highly suspicious . Why do you care ? , you might well ask me. Because she’ll poop or pee somewhere that she shouldn’t when she is slighted , or when she feels slighted . I don’t know if all cats do this , but Cosmo certainly does.

So I walked the dog . We took the usual route . Usually she never has “done her business” on any walk that I’ve ever taken her on .  That to me is the main purpose of the dog walk but she never followed through with her side of the bargain so I got lackadaisical about bringing along the required plastic sack to pick up the poop.

That dog never followed through until this time .

Did I think to bring along a plastic bag ? No. Of course not.  Luckily we were near a dirt area , public land . She had evidently saved up from all of those other no-poop walks in order to dump it all this time , when I had no plastic sack . We were in an open dirt area , though , so I assumed that there would be no major problem .

Ah! , little did I know ! I’m not a dog person . I’m not up on the current dog protocols . When my sister’s  beast had evacuated her bowels I began a nonchalant exit maneuver . Unfortunately for me there was a young couple nearby with their dog . They started to yell like crazy when they saw me trying to surreptitiously bug out . Shouted insults . Profanity . Was I gonna leave this big pile of dog poo out there without picking it up ?

I weighed my options . Having no plastic sack ( my fault ) , and the dog having befouled a dirt area  , a pretty -much wilderness region , ie. no sidewalks , no one’s property ,  I decided that the best option at the moment would be a hasty retreat in the face of incoming enemy fire ( of unceasing and  loudly shouted malediction ) I would launch a quick withdrawal .

And at this moment in time the canine co-culprit in the poo incident ( indeed , the poo-er ) decided all of a sudden to pull back against the leash . I tugged away from the scene and she defied me and tried her best to pull us back to the scene of the crime. I pictured the awkward moment as something out of an old Silent- era comedy short . Here I am dragging a reluctant hound away from the debacle as the citizenry shouts at me to give myself up . The two protocol police officials  didn’t follow me , at least . That’s one good thing . Probably thought if I were so crazy as to leave a poo pile I might be unbalanced and dangerous .  I dragged that disinclined animal slowly away , eventually , around enough of a corner to be finally shielded , at least , from the unending verbal onslaught .

People are serious these day about the doggy rules , I told my sister when she returned from her trip. Yes, she said. Well , good for them , I said , but what was I supposed to do ? I had no plastic sack .

Now I can’t walk my dog there any more , she told me  . Do you know those two people ? I asked . They’ll know my dog , she assured me . Word gets around .  She was outraged at my lawless behavior . Well , what could I have done ? I asked . It was a weak defense , as it turned out . She outlined six or eight alternative actions that I might have taken instead of leaving the pile of  poop and abandoning the scene .

I could have told the justifiably angry people that I had to go back home to get a bag , she said . Or I could have asked them politely if they happened to have an extra bag that I could use . Oh , she was right , of course . What can I say ? I freaked .  I panicked . I bolted . Life goes on . My upset sister didn’t think so , though . She was visibly upset . Her reputation was ruined . Oh , there’s THAT dog ! , people would say , and glare at her .

I told my version of this tale at a dinner party a year or two after the incident . I thought it would be a light-hearted little ditty to add to the friendly conversation. Wrong ! Wrong again . I guess I’m just not a dog person in the modern world . One guy at the party was a medical doctor . I remember that . That’s the one and only time he and I  have ever met . He chewed me out at length about my slipshod ways and my reprehensible morals when it comes to animal waste . Maybe he was right . He was a bore and an obvious snob , though , and I didn’t tell him that . I let it go . I figure we’re even .boy and dog 1920

I decided not to ever get a dog ( even if the dog community would allow it at this point , which is not certain  ) . I’m not a dog person . If I ever wake up one morning and that unlikely notion pops into my head , to adopt a dog , I have to just let it go , to quash it  right then and there . I’m not morally fit to handle a dog these days . I admit that .

Cosmo , are you listening ? Cosmo ? Quit dogging me , Cosmo .



Filed under humor