stop dogging me

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.   Andy Rooney

That said……….

I was reading over on No Facilities recently about a dog-walking incident . What came to mind was a time when I volunteered to watch my sister’s dog for a couple of days , to feed the beast twice a day and also to walk her around the neighborhood . I can do that .

I thought I could do that .






I’m not a dog person. My family had a couple of dogs when I was a kid . I liked them just fine . Just saying ……… Nuff said…………… That being said……………

I have to be a bit cagey as I write this . My cat Cosmo is lurking around . She knows stuff. Cats know stuff . Oh , so nonchalant she appears to the naked eye to be ! She’s listening . She’s listening even though I’m not talking . She can somehow read my mind ( what little of it there is left ). She knows that I’m writing about dogs. She knows and she’s  highly suspicious . Why do you care ? , you might well ask me. Because she’ll poop or pee somewhere that she shouldn’t when she is slighted , or when she feels slighted . I don’t know if all cats do this , but Cosmo certainly does.

So I walked the dog . We took the usual route . Usually she never has “done her business” on any walk that I’ve ever taken her on .  That to me is the main purpose of the dog walk but she never followed through with her side of the bargain so I got lackadaisical about bringing along the required plastic sack to pick up the poop.

That dog never followed through until this time .

Did I think to bring along a plastic bag ? No. Of course not.  Luckily we were near a dirt area , public land . She had evidently saved up from all of those other no-poop walks in order to dump it all this time , when I had no plastic sack . We were in an open dirt area , though , so I assumed that there would be no major problem .

Ah! , little did I know ! I’m not a dog person . I’m not up on the current dog protocols . When my sister’s  beast had evacuated her bowels I began a nonchalant exit maneuver . Unfortunately for me there was a young couple nearby with their dog . They started to yell like crazy when they saw me trying to surreptitiously bug out . Shouted insults . Profanity . Was I gonna leave this big pile of dog poo out there without picking it up ?

I weighed my options . Having no plastic sack ( my fault ) , and the dog having befouled a dirt area  , a pretty -much wilderness region , ie. no sidewalks , no one’s property ,  I decided that the best option at the moment would be a hasty retreat in the face of incoming enemy fire ( of unceasing and  loudly shouted malediction ) I would launch a quick withdrawal .

And at this moment in time the canine co-culprit in the poo incident ( indeed , the poo-er ) decided all of a sudden to pull back against the leash . I tugged away from the scene and she defied me and tried her best to pull us back to the scene of the crime. I pictured the awkward moment as something out of an old Silent- era comedy short . Here I am dragging a reluctant hound away from the debacle as the citizenry shouts at me to give myself up . The two protocol police officials  didn’t follow me , at least . That’s one good thing . Probably thought if I were so crazy as to leave a poo pile I might be unbalanced and dangerous .  I dragged that disinclined animal slowly away , eventually , around enough of a corner to be finally shielded , at least , from the unending verbal onslaught .

People are serious these day about the doggy rules , I told my sister when she returned from her trip. Yes, she said. Well , good for them , I said , but what was I supposed to do ? I had no plastic sack .

Now I can’t walk my dog there any more , she told me  . Do you know those two people ? I asked . They’ll know my dog , she assured me . Word gets around .  She was outraged at my lawless behavior . Well , what could I have done ? I asked . It was a weak defense , as it turned out . She outlined six or eight alternative actions that I might have taken instead of leaving the pile of  poop and abandoning the scene .

I could have told the justifiably angry people that I had to go back home to get a bag , she said . Or I could have asked them politely if they happened to have an extra bag that I could use . Oh , she was right , of course . What can I say ? I freaked .  I panicked . I bolted . Life goes on . My upset sister didn’t think so , though . She was visibly upset . Her reputation was ruined . Oh , there’s THAT dog ! , people would say , and glare at her .

I told my version of this tale at a dinner party a year or two after the incident . I thought it would be a light-hearted little ditty to add to the friendly conversation. Wrong ! Wrong again . I guess I’m just not a dog person in the modern world . One guy at the party was a medical doctor . I remember that . That’s the one and only time he and I  have ever met . He chewed me out at length about my slipshod ways and my reprehensible morals when it comes to animal waste . Maybe he was right . He was a bore and an obvious snob , though , and I didn’t tell him that . I let it go . I figure we’re even .boy and dog 1920

I decided not to ever get a dog ( even if the dog community would allow it at this point , which is not certain  ) . I’m not a dog person . If I ever wake up one morning and that unlikely notion pops into my head , to adopt a dog , I have to just let it go , to quash it  right then and there . I’m not morally fit to handle a dog these days . I admit that .

Cosmo , are you listening ? Cosmo ? Quit dogging me , Cosmo .



Filed under humor

13 responses to “stop dogging me

  1. Great story, Dan. I think I’m glad I judged this memory out of hiding. Unless, of course, I opened an old wound.

    We try to never walk Maddie without a bag. Once, after using the bag, she did additional business in the park. Fortunately there were no people around.

    I may reblog this tomorrow.

  2. Ah, you have to carry dog poo sacks with you at all times! In an emergency you can gently nudge, kick the poo into a gutter/bush. Perhaps, you could have asked the dog-poo-nazis (bit harsh, I know) if they had a spare big you could use. To be fair we all get caught out. I have taken my two dogs to the local park with say 4 bags only for them to do 6 poos!

  3. Reblogged this on No Facilities and commented:
    Some bloggers inspire people to talk about heavy soul-searching topics. Some inspire us to share memories of family, vacations and wonderful meals. Some inspire us to rant about everything from human rights to robot tights. Apparently, I inspire people to talk about dog poop. Still, west-coast Dan tells a pretty funny dog poop story.

  4. I’m not a cat person, never was and never will be. But, I am a dog person but one who hasn’t owned a dog since I gave up my last fenced in back yard. I never minded cleaning up in my back yard with a rake and shovel, but the idea of carrying plastic bags to pick up warm poop with my hand is not a job I aspire to have. I’m sure Cosmo forgives you. 🙂

  5. Haha! Ah well, I am sitting happily on my “non pet” fence this morning as I read your comically enjoyable post. Hi! I’m Cheryl from over at TropicalAffair/DreamingReality. I also sometimes ‘bartend’ at Dan’s place. That’s how I found your post! Although we have had a few cats and a couple of dogs (with very short stays) over the years, we tended to stick only to animals that couldn’t poop or pee on the floor, and if they did, required no more than a kleenex and a flush to fix. My hubs would not be yelling ( maybe snarky barking) at you for the faux pas in the park, but he would curse you so much to me that our walk would have been ruined. Not that he is a dog lover or any fan of the public en masse dog situation. He doesn’t even like walking where that pile might have just lain before a more responsible owner picked it up. He loves dogs, just not having one in the house or being expected to share his plane ride with one..or a meal at a reataurant. Now, this is the dog problem for me. I had four sons and changed a literal crapload of diapers. 🙊 I’m afraid with the new rules about doggie poop I would have to pin a diaper on my pet which would bring public humiliation for us both. But don’t be mad….I don’t do litter boxes either. Our cats were happy outdoor rat and squirrel chasers and only came in when the ground froze or if curiosity got the best of them. We had a hamster that lived to the ripe old age of six, some very lovely tropical fish, a few funky turtles and even were fostaer parents to a couple of wayward ferrets…they bite! We even had a sugarglider once but discovered I was allergic to it. Sigh. But the dogs were few and far between. Bless their hearts….
    PS I n Florida ll public areas have doggie poop bag stations with bags and trash cans. So we get really upset when someone deposits their bagged discards right on the trail….🙈

    • Sounds as if you’ve had a zoo-full of creatures . We used to let our cats out whenever they wanted , too ; but around the s. CA foothills the coyotes get cats . I used to have guinea pigs ; hamsters once , lizards , frogs . But you must have had cat poop around the yard . No prob with the hub ? Anyway …… I guess enough about poop for a while , eh ?

  6. Too funny and yea, that’s why I live out in the country. Ain’t picking up the poo.

  7. I walk around a nearby reservoir where almost everyone has a dog and I have seen irate pooper-scoopers chase down the non-pooper-scoopers, take their pictures and turn the pictures over to the rangers. Then they’re handed a failure to scoop poop ticket and put on the naughty list. But there are free pooper-scooper biodegradable papers available every quarter mile so there really is no excuse. I’ve had dogs all my life until the last one died. Don’t miss the poop pickups.

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